Unsaid words

I often leave these workshops more aware of words I have not said than the ones I have. The words written, spoken, elucidate so clearly to me the words left out, the paths not taken, the fences stalled at. My mind is full of unsaid words, words thought round and round, never quite churned pat and spread out before a listener. Fragments. Thinking of my mum now and our well-trodden path of discussing the weather, her cough, whether I have been busy. It never goes anywhere else. There is nothing else to say, nothing else that can be heard. The bulk of my life unspoken to her, unenquired about. Buried. Bitter taste of irritability towards her. Does she have words she holds back too? She doesn’t speak of the loneliness she must feel. I don’t know if not naming it makes it more bearable, or if she doesn’t trust me to be sympathetic towards her, or if she denies herself the sharing in a bid for martyrdom. Unshared, unsaid, unknown. So many words I dare not say; for fear she’d crumble, shaken to the core, by hearing my anger towards her. Yet unsaid words often seep out, form their own melody in the to and fro of our interactions. The sharpness of my questioning, her disinterest in what I do. Other words I leave unsaid to my partner, to myself. What is mine and what is hers?

Tired. So tired of this.

Hand me the shovel.

I will dig deep. Bury myself in.

Darkness can be comforting

Lack of oxygen doesn't necessarily

kill.

I held by breath for 18 years

and I am still alive.

Tired. So tired of looking.

There's nothing left to unearth.

Not for now.

Can I come back in a few years

with a fresh bag of sorrow?

Unsaid words... Like 'I know you', 'I get it', 'I'll miss you', 'It wasn't all wasted time', 'I understand', 'Your life is worth more than that', 'I'm sorry'.

Unsaid words, like 'I see who you are', 'you might tell yourself elaborate stories, but I see you, plain and simple'.

Unsaid words, like 'Give me a fucking break. You're not the only person on the planet with problems. Look around you for chrissake. Look at the state of the world!', 'So what you can't sleep? So what you commute? Have you seen the amount of people boarding the train every morning? Do they look like they're having fun?'

Unsaid words, like 'I was pretending. I never really cared as much as I lead you to believe'.

I wrote it all down now and someone is listening. Does it mean these words are unsaid no longer?