Pretending

(in response to a passage from Pour Me, by A A Gill)

Pretending. Pre-tending. Tending to things beforehand, in advance, a form of rehearsal, preparation. Act “as if” and it will become reality. Pretending, dissembling, concealing. Not being authentic, true to oneself. I find it hard to know when I am pretending and when I’m not. So many thoughts and feelings become habit. I wake in the morning I feel tired, aching, heavy. Am I ill? I wake in the morning I think of what I want to achieve, to get on and do. Am I well? I don’t know. As the day unfolds into fatigue or energy how much is the fulfillment of expectation? Am I really well but suppressing my energy with a belief I am tired or am I exhausted but pushing myself, telling myself I am okay, deaf to my body’s cries? I have stopped writing. I am hot. Is it too much tea, a hot flush, the subject matter? I don’t know. Everyone else seems so certain about things. They pick a perspective, a way of seeing, a set of beliefs. I have little sense of one being more “me” than another. There is my body’s perspective and my mind’s perspective – a mind that is fragmented into my own words and experiences and those infiltration from others than seem to crack my mind open with doubt. Do other people pretend their certainty? If so, I wish they wouldn’t. But then would we not all just drown in self doubt? Why so people seek certainty anyway to such a degree – life belts flung into a heaving mass, arms and legs flinging, grabbing, clutching. Keep afloat. What do we fear drowning in? Our selves? Overwhelmed by potentiality? By two boat options? The tug of two directions splitting me in half. Body/mind; past/present; love/hate. Life/death. Choose one – I hear them say. But am I just pretending?

Pretending to be a decent human being, is it possible?

Is it possible to pretend affection, liking someone, being interested? We've all done it. But being a decent human being takes more than a nod and a smile and a pat on the back. Being decent takes effort, it takes time. You can't pretend to be a decent human being without becoming one in the process. You may not believe in what you do, but your actions will portray you as a good soul.

What makes a human being decent anyway? Am I a terrible person for trying to shut away from the terrible things happening to others? At home and in other parts of the world? The thought makes me feel small, the issues too large to tackle, so I try to help within my means and hope that the bigger issues will be dealt by someone else. Someone more powerful. Perhaps that's why some issues never get resolved, because there's roomful of people out there feeling to small and powerless.

Pretending...

When it all comes down this was a just another dyslexic child who was told he was dim and worthless, who then became an adult with addictions trying to fill a void, who then became a guy with a chip on his shoulder, using big words to prove he was not dim, treating people badly to prove he was more powerful. And then he died. I am sure his kids think he was wonderful. The moral of the story is.. Try to be a decent human being perhaps, and your peers will look upon you kindly.